The Interview: Lindsay Lohan

Before posting the interview, I'd like to give you a quick update on what's going on with me. I have relocated (temporarily) from my "home" in south Florida to Los Angelas. This is actually capital news! LM magazine is putting me up in motel here for two weeks while I conduct research for an article they've commissioned me to write about the liposuction habits of famous movie stars. Of course, any idiot could have figured out that I don't need two weeks to do research on such a boring and pointless topic, so I'm spending most of my time working to increase the readership of this blog, with the ultimate goal of MONETIZING it.

Towards that end, I have arranged to conduct interviews with a number of famous persons who, according to a computer search I did, are just the type of people that computer readers like to read about. (In order to ensure that all of the interviewees will feel entirely at ease, these interviews will be conducted in my small motel room, away from the prying eyes of the mainstream media.)

And now, on to the interview!


Me: Lindsay Lohan, welcome.

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks.

Me: Who are you, exactly?

Lindsay Lohan: (Long Pause). You don't know who I am?

Me: Well, to be perfectly honest, until yesterday I was under the impression that you were a man.

Lindsay Lohan: Why? Why did you think that? That's pretty ridiculous . . .

Me: Now, now, let me explain. You see, where I come from, the name Lindsay is more often the name of a man than of a woman.

Lindsay Lohan: I'm sorry, where do you come from?

Me: I'm originally from Jersey. Anyway, I was about to say that not only did I believe that you were a man, but I somehow got it into my head that you might be a rear-admiral. You know, something ghastly like "Rear-Admiral Sir Lindsay Crohmer Lohan."

Lindsay Lohan: Excuse me, but I don't actually have all day for this. . . Aren't you supposed to do some sort of basic research before doing an interview?

Me: Well, I did do some basic research yesterday. That's when I found out that you are actually a woman.

Lindsay Lohan: Well done.

Me: But I still have no idea why you are famous. Why are you famous?

Lindsay Lohan: You did research on me but you still don't know why I'm famous? Look, the gift basket you promised me better be completely off the hook because this is . . . not really an interview.

Me: Yes, we'll get to the gift basket. I should have warned you in advance that I have a very "intellectual" interview style. I like to shock and surprise my subjects with questions that other interviewers may not think to ask. Do you know the American film actor Tom Hanks? Just ask him.

Lindsay Lohan: (says nothing).

Me: Anyway, could you please tell me why you are famous? I genuinely don't know . . .


Lindsay Lohan: Well, I'm an actress. You actually did research on me and didn't come up with the fact that I'm an actress?

Me: Sadly, no. I did a computer search on your name, and the first 200 hits I got were all photographs of your vagina. That's how I figured out that you are a woman. However, the photos did not have a caption saying that "this vagina belongs to a movie star." The captions only said "this vagina belongs to Lindsay Lohan."

Lindsay Lohan: I'd like my gift basket now.

Me: So! You are a famous actress! What films might I have seen you in?

Lindsay Lohan: (Ms. Lohan has picked up a pen from my bedside table and is examining it intently). Did you see A Prairie Home Companion?

Me: Never heard of it. And, erm . . . would you please put that pen down? It used to belong to Paul Robeson and it's very valuable. His granddaughter gave it to me.

Lindsay Lohan: Who the fuck is Paul Robeson?

Me: (Long pause as I struggle against homicidal rage). This Interview is over.

Lindsay Lohan: Good. Give me my gift basket.

Me: (Long pause while homicidal rage subsides). I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to say that yet. I apologise.

Lindsay Lohan: Actually, I don't think you are ever supposed to say that. But seriously, I was promised a gift basket with stuff from Godiva, Lancome, Prada . . .

Me: Oh . . . my secretary said that, did she? I'm afraid she exaggerated a bit. But I can give you a naval orange and a half-empty bottle of Jergins.

Lindsay Lohan: Deal.

Me: Good. This interview is over.


UPDATE: The pen is gone! Gone! That fucking bitch stole my Paul Robeson pen! And she doesn't even know who Paul Robeson was! THAT'S THE WORST PART!